I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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