i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
