i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
