hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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