First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
