fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
