My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
