Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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