Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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