Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
