there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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