Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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