i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
