I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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