So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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