Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
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i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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