im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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