i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
