Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
