That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
