remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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