Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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