im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Randomize
