all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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