Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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