TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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