My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
