I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Randomize
