I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
