You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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