Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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