Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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