I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
