she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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