anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
