Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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