if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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