I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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