I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
