ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
