i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
