apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
