i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
