I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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