I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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