Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
