so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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