im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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