don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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