Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
