I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
two words: eviction party
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
