When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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