pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Randomize
