and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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