i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
