yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
