I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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